My new baby!!

Yes I got a big gift from my parents. ACER ASPIRE 4750G LAPTOP!!! Huhuhu. It's very thin and new.

Yeah mine is also blue. Hmm nothing to talk about it la. I haven't used it yet since I don't have wireless connection or broadband in my house. Has lots of thing to download. Yet I ALWAYS LOVE MY DESKTOP!!! I've been using it since I was 12. It's a part of my life. Lots of memories. It has seen I smiled and cried in front of it.

After buying the laptop, I went for movie, Engeyum Kaadhal with my bro. My parents went back home. The movie was storyless yet nice, awesome and lovely!! It was entirely taken in Paris. Hmm that is all la. I feel lazy to write and I'm still down. Byeee.

Disappointment much.

Yeah I'm disappointed much. A lot. JPA results came out on last Friday at 5pm. But I took an hour to open the website because the the line was so busy. The result was shocking. I'm offered to study in local. I have to do matriculation in Perak Matriculation College and later degree under JPA in any local Uni. Isn't this unfair ? I got 9a+ and this is all I got. There are students who got less a+ than me got to study in oversea and local Uni. Of course I can't compare myself with others. I couldn't sleep yesterday and was crying. Feel like my result worth nothing. Tried to convince myself atleast I got something than other students who didn't get anything at all. But my result deserves better ain't ? Anyways, congratulations to my best friend, Kir who got offer to study in IMU and then degree in oversea( i don't know where yet) and Prasanth who got to study in UTHO, Johor. I'll try to appeal but I have no hope of getting better offer. Just go with the flow la.

Happy Mother's Day Maaa!

Happy mother's day ammaaaa!!! I love you to bits. ♥

Yesterday was awesome and tiring. On Saturday night, we celebrated the eve at my aunt's house. We cut cake and had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant. Yesterday, we went to Wet World with my another aunt's family. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera along. Haizz.

Had fun with the kids. Then, we went to a restaurant to have mamak food. Reached home at 8.30pm. And straight away I went off to my bed. I was really tired. I didn't even go to Facebook. My bff, Kir was worried and she thought I was sick and texted me why I wasn't online. Hahaha. I saw it in the next morning only. Woke up at 6.00am itself.
I had few nightmares because of the JPA stuff. It's coming out today at 5pm !!! Although I know they're giving scholarships to 9a+, yet I'm scared. I'm worried where I'll be sent. I just hope Kir and I get the same place. Or any of my close friends. It'll be comforting.

I'm too lazy to give a name for this post,. :D

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I GET IPTA ?? Although I was not expecting for it, yet i didn't get. Did I do any mistakes when applying ? Hmmm. Whatever la. My only hope now is JPA. It's coming out on Monday. Let's wait and see.

With you, I want.

I SAW THIS ON MY TUMBLR DASHBOARD. SERIOUSLY, IT'S SO CUTEEEE!

to experience moments like this:

to take pictures together like these:

to spend time with each other at places like this:

to ride things like this, together:

to be your bestfriend and lover:

to grow old with you:

Hates having moods swings.

Argggghhh SHIIITTTTT!! JPA result is gonna be out on 6th May!! It's too lateee. We were expecting it to be out on last Friday or yesterday. One of my closest friend, Samuel went to Uniten today to do his foundation studies. Good luck to you dear ! I could only send message to you Facebook inbox. I didn't have credit to call you. :(
I stayed at my aunt's house for two days. Being with the kids was really good. And now, I feel bored. Super bored. It's May. And I've been feeling lifeless since January. Not doing a single job for almost 5 months!!! This could be my longest holidays ever in my life. I'm tired of taking rest. I wanna go study. I miss buying books and writing. My handwriting completely SUCKSSS now!
I feel alone and emo nowadays. I don't know why. Sometimes I cry without reasons. In fact, nothing is wrong with my life. Loving parents, awesome friends and a good future. Still yet I don't know what's wrong with myself. People think that I'm very busy and happy with my life when they see me online-ing for hours on Facebook. They should see the real 'ME' on my blog. I feel lifeless and thats why I'm on Facebook. I'm not even proud of being a Facebookaholic. I will always prefer to do a better work. Like shopping, watching movies and going out with friends.

Currently, we're having some misunderstandings among our friends. I meant girlfriends. It's really bothering me. Ok what so ever laa. Life has to go on right? OK bye chiao!

Happy Labour's Day!

Matriculation.

Matriculation Program results came out today. I checked it at 12.20am. :D Seriously, I was so desperate to know it. I got Kolej Matrikulasi Perak. Many of my friends also got. Kir and Prasanth got same college with me, Visha got Melaka and Tharani got Kuala Pilah. Visha and Tharani are so lucky for getting near one. Anyways congrats to them. However, I'm still waiting for JPA. Matriks is my second option. If I don't get JPA, I'll do Matriks. So hope I get JPA la. Good luck to me. :)

My 18th birthday bash !!!!

Heyyaaa!!! Sorry for not updating my blog. Haha k I know nobody reads it though. On last Sunday 24th April, I turned 18. Happy belated birthday to meee!

I did a small birthday party at my place. I invited all my friends and relatives. However, some of my friends couldn't make it. And they had reasons for not making it. It's okayy. They're forgiven. :D
Actually I wanted all to come because this would be our last year to be together. I wanted to celebrate my birthday with all of them. So it was disappointing a bit when some didn't come. After this all of us will go to different places to pursue their studies. So having a gathering like this will be once in a blue moon. Doesn't it sound sad? How nice it would be if all of us study at same place.

However, they cannot be replaced by my new friends. They're awesomeee and always there for me. Although we had misunderstandings, we're still together.

Before I start tearing, let's stop here. Papai!

P/S: Thanks for all the wishes and gifts again!! Appreciate them. ♥

Ok I never thought you would read this coz nobody reads my blog. I'll stop writing about u ok ? This will be the last post about you. Since you didn't reply me, I don't know if you're mad with me or what. Although you've have told me so many times, I'm still doing it. So I know it's entirely my fault. I'm really sorry.

My big day: JPA interview.

After procrastinating for four days, now I'm writing about my JPA interview which was on 12th April.

A night before: I was preparing on all the current and health issues. Intro as well. Although introducing ourself is easy, I was worried that I would stammer during the interview. :D Then, I went to my bed earlier than usual. At 12am.

On the day: I got up at 8am and got ready for the interview. After taking breakfast at a restaurant, we moved to USIM. Yes, the interview was held at USIM, Nilai. It was near and the place was familiar to my dad. I saw a Malay guy when we were parking our car. I smiled at him and asked him how the interview was. He said it was easy. I felt relieved a bit. After entering the entrance, there were so many parents and students. It was 10.20am. Checked my name on the list and I was the second in my panel ( panel 1). After getting kiss from my parents, I went upstairs. Parents were asked to wait downstairs.

It was a big library. Few girls were sitting there and I joined them. They were really good and friendly. I knew one of them. She came to the same tuition with me. They were also nervous like me. But after talking to them, I lost my nervousness. Then there was a lady came to our table and asked for our files. It was 11.05am. After giving our files to her and taking our tags, we went into our interview room.

We were five girls in our group. Two malay girls, two chinese girls and I was the only Indian. Our interviewers were 1 Malay woman, 1 Chinese man and 1 Malay man. After wishing them Selamat Pagi, we were asked to sit.

First we were asked to intro ourself. After I finished introducing myself, I was asked, "Why do you choose medicine?" I answered it's my and my parents dreams. I love helping people. It's a noble profession. And I said so many things la.

Then, the malay woman asked us, "Apakah langkah-langkah mengawal darah tinggi?" I raised my hand to answer but before me a malay girl did. After her turn, I answered about bersenam and melakukan pemeriksaan kesihatan. I crapped a bit. Haha.

After that, we were asked, "What does make you more qualified than other students for this scholarship?" I answered, my results say it out all first if all. And I also talked about how I worked hard for this and financial problem.

Then, they asked us, " What's my weakness and how u overcome it?" I said, my weakness is I'm very a dependent person and always depend on my parents. Then, I changed myself and bla bla bla la..

Then, they asked us, "What's my mistake I've done in my life?". I answered, I'm a very last minute worker, how it affects my trial exam and how I correct it.

Hmm then, they asked us again, "What would you do if you're not given this scholarship?" I really expected this question. Well, I answered that, I'll do form 6 or Matriks and try to get four flat and conitue my studies in local Uni. 4 of ur answered the same and only 1 girl said she'll do foundation in private college.

Again, they asked us, "Would you accept if you're offered to study in local?" I said, yes I would and I gave few reasons la.

I thought those were all but we had group discussion. I was like errr WTH!! It's not fair. My friends in other panels didn't have group discussion and why we had. Fortunately, we were asked a very easy question. It was "Sebagai doktor, berikan langkah-langkah mengawal sikap merokok dalam kalangan remaja." They asked us to discuss and give them an effective langkah. After discussing for few minutes, we found out that the most effective langkah is mengadakan ceramah. We had points to elaborate on it. So we chose it.

Then, they said the interview was ended. We said Terima Kasih, shook hand with the woman and went out of the room as fast as possible. We screamed you know. Hahaha. Seriously, it was so relieved and the first word came out from my mouth was 'a heavy burden is lifted off'. It was also my Facebook status.

And yeah that's all. I guess I did well in my interview. Hope everything goes well. Good luck to me. :D ♥

The worst night mare ever!

I was waken up by a dream. He introduced his new gf to me. I was like WTH!! And the dream seemed so real. Don't ask me who the girl was k. I didn't see her face. I cried in the dream itself. Gosshh. I hate this la. I'm still on the border between giving up or staying. You stop appearing in my dreams la please. You're coming into my dreams more often now. Almost everyday.

And yeah I went to school today with my friend to get signatures for my scholarships thingy. Then, I went to the tailor to get my baju kurung. It was awesomely sewed. Tomorrow, I have JPA interview at USIM at 11.05am. Now, I'm preparing myself for the introduction and group discussion. I went thru many students and ex-scholars' blogs. They wrote about their interview experience. It didn't sound scary for me. Yet I'm very nervous and I can feel butterflies and all the insects dancing in my stomach. So bye for now. :)

JPA

Oh yess! I'm chosen for JPA interview! Congrats to me. Hehe. Well, it's just an interview. I haven't been chosen for the scholarship though. My friends Kirthiga, Prasanth and Sharva are also selected. Some of my tuition mates from other schools are also selected. Congrats to them. Well my interview will be on 12th. All my other friends got different dates. And I'm the first going for the interview.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!

PLEASE I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHO THE 'GUEST' ON MY SHOUT BOX !! ARE YOU ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HIS FRIENDS, HIS COUSINS OR YOU ?? PLEASE TELL ME WHO YOU'RE!!!! I'M SURE YOU'RE MY CLOSEST PERSON. YOU KNOW ME. PLEASE ? INBOX ME OR ANYTHING.

Get well soon Mum! ♥

~With my mum at Penang. ~

Oh yess my mum is back from hospital. She's better now although she's still sick. Hope she will sleep peacefully tonight. She told me she hasn't had a good sleep since last Monday. The hospital atmosphere makes her sicker. And my parents are asking me to be a DOCTOR!! I know I can be one. I can do anything. But I'm not sure If I have passion for being one. When I was small, I wanted to be a doctor. After entering Form 1, I wanted to be an accountant because I love Mathematics. Then, in Form 4, I wanted to do biotech because I didn't like accounting but BIOLOGY. See I don't know what I want to do. After getting my results, my whole family is asking me to do medicine. So I came back to my first ambition. Being a doctor. The worse thing is being a doctor is very competitive. As I know almost all the straight A+'s students want to be a doctor. Only some them chose other fields like engineering. I'm totally blur.

Adding dilemmas to dilemmas that I've already had, my friend asked me a question. Well it's about love and my ex bf. She asked what I would do if I'm proposed by a guy after entering college. I told her I would think. But honestly, I wouldn't think nor love the new guy. As everyone knows I still love my ex. Crazy ain't ? Yes, I know I'll never get him back. I don't even have a small degree of hope. But something holds me. Something tells me that he's my soul mate. Hahaha. And I told to my another friend maybe he might have a very very little amount of love on me. Who knows. I added if I ever think so, I'm the stupidest girl in the world. And she said,"YOU ARE." Maybe he's in love with some one else. But I was his first love. I know his each and every character. But it's fine if he's with another person. I don't want him back though.

For now, I want my mum to get well. I wanna go shopping with her. I have lots of things to buy. Nothing is better than shopping with your mum.

Review of my days.

I know I'm not a good blogger at all. If I was, I would've updated my blog. :D

So, let's start with last Thursday. I had my jpj retest on the day. It was at 2pm. My friend Vino also had test with me and another friend, Prasanth had retest at 11am. Sad to say, I failed again!! It was like shit la. I failed both. During practice, I could do well. I didn't know what was wrong during the test. Prasanth passed both and Vino passed the first part but failed the road one. On the same day, there was a talk for SPM leavers at MIC building. Vino and I couldn't make it because we had jpj test but all my friends went. I was sad and my face was so pale. The test finished at 4 something. So, Vino wanted to go the talk but I didn't want. I didn't want to see my friends. I was worried they would laugh at me or what. But somehow, she convinced me and we went there with my dad. I think I knew almost everyone there. Most of them were my tuition mates. Then I joined my friends. Luckily none of them teased me. They were just convincing me. Thank god !! They said Prasanth told them I was really sad. Thanks a lot dei for not making fun of me. :D Hahaha. So probably my test will be in May. Haizzz. It's very late.

Hmmm now my mum is sick. Very sick. She has been sick since last Monday. I've never seen her like that before. She has backache and this time it's quite serious. I cried seeing her suffering in pain. I didn't tell to all my friends. Hope she'll be fine soon.

Yesterday after visiting my mum at hospital, I went to buy kain for baju kurung. Yes I'm gonna wear baju kurung for my JPA interview. I'm so nervous about the interview. Im not prepared at all. I don't what they will ask. What topic they will give me. Haizzz. My seniors said they will test our confidence and GK only. So there's nothing to worry. But only I know how weak I am in GK. So just wait and see what future holds for me. :D Ok taaata! papai.

Insignificant.

Have we ever thought we would end up this way? Like totally strangers. We're friends but can we be friends heartily? I had imagined of how we would live together after our exams, studies and everything but I never imagined myself without you. I know you too didn't expect that you would left me. Right ? I was your first love. I know how much I meant to you but now, I'm very insignificant to you. You're not my first love but you still mean the world to me. I never thought you would hurt me this way when you held my hands and smiled to me. I can feel tears choke in my throat right now. It's very painful. I would be grateful if you have a very very little love on me deep down in you heart. Not exactly love but a kind of feeling. Friendship or sympathy something like that. I just can say be honest and ask yourself.

Let's save our HOME!

I joined this year's Earth Hour. I couldn't celebrate it last year due to some reasons. I switched off all the lights in my house. It was dark. It was nice and romantic. If I were married, I would have had a candlelight dinner with my husband. Chehhwahhh. :D

You know Earth is the only home we all have. Only we can save our mother earth. Can we see our own mother suffers from fever ? Of course, we can't but how can we let our Earth to suffer in global warming ? You guys know what? I don't use plastic bags if I buy one or two things from shops. I didn't let my parents to fix air-conditioners in my house. Haha I know it sounds funny. K bye.

Sorry.

I think I have said more 'sorry' than 'I love you's. But I think we both made mistakes. You're running away from me. You're worried that you might fall in love with me. My mistake is expecting a lot from you. Expecting you'll treat me like a real friend someday. I'm too soft hearted. I feel hurt easily. It's my weakness.

My historical day.

Today is the happiest day in my life ever!! 9A+ and 1A is a result that I didn't expect at all. Congratulations to my best friends too, Kirthiga, Prasanth Rao, Thiru Baashini and Vishalini. They also deserved the best. I burst out in tears the moment they called me to the stage. I knew how badly I did my SPM. I can't stop tearing when people tell me that my parents would be proud of me. I'm their only child and I know how they feel. Congrats to all of you again people. ♥ you !

You belong with me.

"Was it fated or was it all just an accident?" Alone in my bed, asking myself. Tears were running down my cheek and dropping on my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But my mind didn’t let me. Instead, it played all the etched memories. My heart was aching. I wish I could rewind time, back to that day. I got up of my bed and took my laptop from my study table. I went to ‘My Pictures’ and opened my personal folder. What I saw was hundreds of pictures of us. They made me sadder than I already was. Would you look me in the way you did in the pictures? Would you have the same passion in your eyes? I asked the person was standing beside me in the pictures. Then, I read our conversations. The words full of love which had the power to brighten my days now made me wondering if it was really you. The last words that came out of your mouth today were still echoing in my ears.

“I don’t hate you but please leave me alone. I don’t want you as my life partner. Let’s stay as friends.”

How could I leave you? How could we stay friends even after all these? Thousands of questions were running through my mind but I didn’t have answer even for one. I wanted to talk to him. I took my phone and pressed the number one button. I saved his number as my speed dial. The phone started ringing. For a second, my mind flew to one of those days of how we used to be on phone for hours. Then, my mind came back to reality. I just realized he hadn’t answered my call. So, I just ended it. I looked at the clock. It was already 6am. I didn’t know how the time moved very fast because I felt every second past like a decade. I didn’t know how I was going to survive today. Only thing I could do was to get up of my bed and get ready to school. I tried to eat but I puked everything I ate. I couldn’t eat after that. Then, I rode my scooter to school. After parking it, I entered my class. The first face I was searching for was his. He was with his friends. I didn’t see any guilt or sadness on his face. I was sure he didn’t have sleepless night like I did.

He pretended my absence. I went to my place and opened my book. After the class ended, I went to canteen to get something to eat. I wasn’t in the mood but I felt hungry. As I sat, his friends came and sat beside me. They asked if I was okay. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t but I didn’t. I just wanted to finish my food and get away from there. Suren, his best friend whispered something to another friend. I was looking at them from the corner of my eyes. I wondered if it was about him and yes, it was. Suren was also a good friend of mine. In fact, he was the one who helped us a lot throughout our relationship. After all of them left, I texted Suren asking what he whispered to Rahul. As I was waiting for his reply, Jay slowly walked towards me. If it was two days before, I would have run to him and hug him but now I was just staring at him as he came closer to me. He gave me a friendly smile. I saw enormous guilt in his eyes. The only words that came out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry. Try to move on” and he walked away. I was shattered into pieces. The guy who had promised me that he would never leave me no matter what happened now asked me to leave him. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. Suren sent me a text.

It sounded, “Do you know why he left you?”

I typed, “Yes but I’m still hazy.”

Before I pressed the send button, he called me. He said he wanted to meet and tell me something. He was waiting for me at our school field. I went to talk to him. It was silent for a while and to break the silence, I spoke first.

I questioned him, “What do you want to tell me? Can you be fast? I gotta go.”

He sighed and said, “He has got a new girlfriend. That was why he left you. It happened when you went for holidays. He didn’t want to betray you, of course but somehow she made him falling for her. He found she’s better in everything than you are. She’s prettier, cleverer and richer than you. But he didn’t know how to leave you. So he used your mistake as an excuse. And you were so stupid to believe what he said.”

Before he finished his last sentence, tears started streaming down my face. I was speechless. My whole world turned upside down. I couldn’t believe him but I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. I knew him longer than I knew Jay. I wondered if Jay was cheating on me all this while. How could he leave his girlfriend of three years for someone else? Suren grabbed my shoulder and shook it once to see it I was still ’alive’. I was but I wanted to be dead. I just walked away without saying a word. As I was riding back to my home, I wished I was hit by a lorry or a bus. I didn’t want to live anymore.

Upon I reached my home, I went upstairs and threw myself into my bed. I was very grieved. I screamed into my pillow. And I was crying out loud. I got thoughts of hurting myself physically. I took a blade and wanted to cut my wrist but I couldn’t. My parents and my friends crossed my mind. Of course, they wouldn’t want me to hurt myself. So, I followed what he said. Trying to move on. I didn’t talk to him and neither did he.

Six months had passed but I was still thinking about him. I didn’t date any guys after that. On a weekend, when I was busy getting ready to go out with my parents, I got a text message from Suren.

“Can you come to hospital as fast as possible? Jay got into an accident. He’s so serious. He wants to see you.” It sounded so.

Without a moment of delay, I rushed to the hospital with my dad. His whole family was weeping. I walked slowly into ICU room. I couldn’t believe of what I saw with my own eyes. The line in the heart machine was flat. The beeping sound stopped. Nurses were helping doctors to remove all the needles from his body. His eyes were closed. He died. My face was expressionless. I gazed at him while walking to his bed. I held his hand. It was icy. I put my ear to his chest to listen if his heart was still beating. It wasn’t. I wondered why I hadn’t dropped a tear yet. It was because I knew he wasn’t dead. I would trade everything I had to get him back alive. Suren held my shoulder and said, “I have something to give you.” I followed him. He gave me a letter. I opened it quickly. I recognised the cursive handwriting. It was his. Jay’s.

“Baby, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I know I shouldn’t have left you but I had to. Actually, I didn’t love anyone after you. You’re the only girl I love. You’re the best girl I’ve ever seen. I know how sick you were after I left you. It was all my mistakes. When you were on holidays, I had a high fever. During the treatment, I was known that I have cancer. I found out I’m going to die in a few months. Now, I’m really going through a rough time and I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to see my pain. You can’t take it. So, I had to lie to you. I wanted you to hate me but you didn’t. I wrote this and gave it to Suren. He will give you after I’m gone. I love you so much baby. I’m always yours.”

His teardrops on the paper made indelible stain. Tears were falling down from my eyes. Guilt was building up inside me. I couldn’t be with him during his last moments. I couldn’t be forgiven. I was sorry, Jay.