Insignificant.

Have we ever thought we would end up this way? Like totally strangers. We're friends but can we be friends heartily? I had imagined of how we would live together after our exams, studies and everything but I never imagined myself without you. I know you too didn't expect that you would left me. Right ? I was your first love. I know how much I meant to you but now, I'm very insignificant to you. You're not my first love but you still mean the world to me. I never thought you would hurt me this way when you held my hands and smiled to me. I can feel tears choke in my throat right now. It's very painful. I would be grateful if you have a very very little love on me deep down in you heart. Not exactly love but a kind of feeling. Friendship or sympathy something like that. I just can say be honest and ask yourself.

Let's save our HOME!

I joined this year's Earth Hour. I couldn't celebrate it last year due to some reasons. I switched off all the lights in my house. It was dark. It was nice and romantic. If I were married, I would have had a candlelight dinner with my husband. Chehhwahhh. :D

You know Earth is the only home we all have. Only we can save our mother earth. Can we see our own mother suffers from fever ? Of course, we can't but how can we let our Earth to suffer in global warming ? You guys know what? I don't use plastic bags if I buy one or two things from shops. I didn't let my parents to fix air-conditioners in my house. Haha I know it sounds funny. K bye.

Sorry.

I think I have said more 'sorry' than 'I love you's. But I think we both made mistakes. You're running away from me. You're worried that you might fall in love with me. My mistake is expecting a lot from you. Expecting you'll treat me like a real friend someday. I'm too soft hearted. I feel hurt easily. It's my weakness.

My historical day.

Today is the happiest day in my life ever!! 9A+ and 1A is a result that I didn't expect at all. Congratulations to my best friends too, Kirthiga, Prasanth Rao, Thiru Baashini and Vishalini. They also deserved the best. I burst out in tears the moment they called me to the stage. I knew how badly I did my SPM. I can't stop tearing when people tell me that my parents would be proud of me. I'm their only child and I know how they feel. Congrats to all of you again people. ♥ you !

You belong with me.

"Was it fated or was it all just an accident?" Alone in my bed, asking myself. Tears were running down my cheek and dropping on my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But my mind didn’t let me. Instead, it played all the etched memories. My heart was aching. I wish I could rewind time, back to that day. I got up of my bed and took my laptop from my study table. I went to ‘My Pictures’ and opened my personal folder. What I saw was hundreds of pictures of us. They made me sadder than I already was. Would you look me in the way you did in the pictures? Would you have the same passion in your eyes? I asked the person was standing beside me in the pictures. Then, I read our conversations. The words full of love which had the power to brighten my days now made me wondering if it was really you. The last words that came out of your mouth today were still echoing in my ears.

“I don’t hate you but please leave me alone. I don’t want you as my life partner. Let’s stay as friends.”

How could I leave you? How could we stay friends even after all these? Thousands of questions were running through my mind but I didn’t have answer even for one. I wanted to talk to him. I took my phone and pressed the number one button. I saved his number as my speed dial. The phone started ringing. For a second, my mind flew to one of those days of how we used to be on phone for hours. Then, my mind came back to reality. I just realized he hadn’t answered my call. So, I just ended it. I looked at the clock. It was already 6am. I didn’t know how the time moved very fast because I felt every second past like a decade. I didn’t know how I was going to survive today. Only thing I could do was to get up of my bed and get ready to school. I tried to eat but I puked everything I ate. I couldn’t eat after that. Then, I rode my scooter to school. After parking it, I entered my class. The first face I was searching for was his. He was with his friends. I didn’t see any guilt or sadness on his face. I was sure he didn’t have sleepless night like I did.

He pretended my absence. I went to my place and opened my book. After the class ended, I went to canteen to get something to eat. I wasn’t in the mood but I felt hungry. As I sat, his friends came and sat beside me. They asked if I was okay. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t but I didn’t. I just wanted to finish my food and get away from there. Suren, his best friend whispered something to another friend. I was looking at them from the corner of my eyes. I wondered if it was about him and yes, it was. Suren was also a good friend of mine. In fact, he was the one who helped us a lot throughout our relationship. After all of them left, I texted Suren asking what he whispered to Rahul. As I was waiting for his reply, Jay slowly walked towards me. If it was two days before, I would have run to him and hug him but now I was just staring at him as he came closer to me. He gave me a friendly smile. I saw enormous guilt in his eyes. The only words that came out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry. Try to move on” and he walked away. I was shattered into pieces. The guy who had promised me that he would never leave me no matter what happened now asked me to leave him. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. Suren sent me a text.

It sounded, “Do you know why he left you?”

I typed, “Yes but I’m still hazy.”

Before I pressed the send button, he called me. He said he wanted to meet and tell me something. He was waiting for me at our school field. I went to talk to him. It was silent for a while and to break the silence, I spoke first.

I questioned him, “What do you want to tell me? Can you be fast? I gotta go.”

He sighed and said, “He has got a new girlfriend. That was why he left you. It happened when you went for holidays. He didn’t want to betray you, of course but somehow she made him falling for her. He found she’s better in everything than you are. She’s prettier, cleverer and richer than you. But he didn’t know how to leave you. So he used your mistake as an excuse. And you were so stupid to believe what he said.”

Before he finished his last sentence, tears started streaming down my face. I was speechless. My whole world turned upside down. I couldn’t believe him but I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. I knew him longer than I knew Jay. I wondered if Jay was cheating on me all this while. How could he leave his girlfriend of three years for someone else? Suren grabbed my shoulder and shook it once to see it I was still ’alive’. I was but I wanted to be dead. I just walked away without saying a word. As I was riding back to my home, I wished I was hit by a lorry or a bus. I didn’t want to live anymore.

Upon I reached my home, I went upstairs and threw myself into my bed. I was very grieved. I screamed into my pillow. And I was crying out loud. I got thoughts of hurting myself physically. I took a blade and wanted to cut my wrist but I couldn’t. My parents and my friends crossed my mind. Of course, they wouldn’t want me to hurt myself. So, I followed what he said. Trying to move on. I didn’t talk to him and neither did he.

Six months had passed but I was still thinking about him. I didn’t date any guys after that. On a weekend, when I was busy getting ready to go out with my parents, I got a text message from Suren.

“Can you come to hospital as fast as possible? Jay got into an accident. He’s so serious. He wants to see you.” It sounded so.

Without a moment of delay, I rushed to the hospital with my dad. His whole family was weeping. I walked slowly into ICU room. I couldn’t believe of what I saw with my own eyes. The line in the heart machine was flat. The beeping sound stopped. Nurses were helping doctors to remove all the needles from his body. His eyes were closed. He died. My face was expressionless. I gazed at him while walking to his bed. I held his hand. It was icy. I put my ear to his chest to listen if his heart was still beating. It wasn’t. I wondered why I hadn’t dropped a tear yet. It was because I knew he wasn’t dead. I would trade everything I had to get him back alive. Suren held my shoulder and said, “I have something to give you.” I followed him. He gave me a letter. I opened it quickly. I recognised the cursive handwriting. It was his. Jay’s.

“Baby, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I know I shouldn’t have left you but I had to. Actually, I didn’t love anyone after you. You’re the only girl I love. You’re the best girl I’ve ever seen. I know how sick you were after I left you. It was all my mistakes. When you were on holidays, I had a high fever. During the treatment, I was known that I have cancer. I found out I’m going to die in a few months. Now, I’m really going through a rough time and I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to see my pain. You can’t take it. So, I had to lie to you. I wanted you to hate me but you didn’t. I wrote this and gave it to Suren. He will give you after I’m gone. I love you so much baby. I’m always yours.”

His teardrops on the paper made indelible stain. Tears were falling down from my eyes. Guilt was building up inside me. I couldn’t be with him during his last moments. I couldn’t be forgiven. I was sorry, Jay.

Maran '10

I go to Maran temple every year. Since I was born. There is a temple actually. So, I went to the temple this year also. I don't have much to tell you because the festival is always the same every year. Crowd, shops, urumi.. This year my cousin and my mum friends' families came with us. So, we had more fun this year than previous years. We went to Batu Caves first before going to Maran. Sadly, we couldn't go up because it was raining very heavily. Then, we headed to Maran. This year was more crowder. Luckily, it wasn't raining there. So, here are the pictures.

the super full moon.

myself.

the tree.

the temple.

urumi..never fail to make our foot tapping.

with Denise.

don't care about the man's face.

I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS LEAVE A MESSAGE WITH YOUR NAME ON MY CHATBOX. I KNOW MY BLOG IS READ BECAUSE MY NUMBER OF MY PROFILE VIEWS INCREASES DAY BY DAY. I DON'T WANT TO BE STALKED.

Happy 18th birthday Prasanth Rao.

I would say today is another happiest day in my life. Talking to Prasanth after months. Seriously, the last I talked to him was on Christmas. I met all my guy friends after that except him. Besides that, my friend Sithi came back from India. She went to India in January. I've been trying to call her since yesterday but she hasn't answered it yet. Should try once again later. Then, my another two friends, Vino and Shankar came back from PLKN. I haven't called Shankar yet but I called Vino. She told me she's at PD now with our school students. They're having a camping trip there. I got a chance to talk to my lovely juniors, Nive and Kamalis. They said they miss us so much and of course so do we. I can't wait to go to my school back on my results day to meet them all again. ♥ you all lots!!!

To my ex's lover.

Treat him right. Make him happier than I did. Smile at him often. Tolerate his anger. Listen to him. Finally, don't disappoint him. Because you got the best guy in the world.

Threading.

Before

After.

I got my eyebrow threading for the first time in my life. Instead of using thread, I used shave. It was not painful at all. Is there any difference? I think my forehead looks broader and clearer. Don't know la.

We're grown ups.

On the day I failed my jpj test, Visha and Sheli came to my house to discuss about going to Royal Bintang on the next day. Then Sheli said why don't we go stay at Visha's house tonight? That was a good idea but Kir couldn't join with us because she had driving class to go. After taking dinner at my house, we went to Visha's house. We had fun at her house. We stayed up late until 4am !!! We were watching videos and songs in Youtube. Not to forget we were snapping with her webcam. It was really a lot of pictures. She hasn't upload them yet. Then, we off to bed. We got up at 10.30am. It was considered quite early for us. Hehe. Her mum did idli for us. I love her idli so much. After getting ready and having our breakfast, my dad came to her house to fetch us up.

~Sheli, myself, Visha and Sharva~

We reached Royal Bintang around 1pm. We waited for Sharva to come but she said she would be late. So we made a move into the hotel. We weren't lost in the hotel but we couldn't find the room. Finally, we found. After registering, we entered the room. There were four colleges, Taylor, Sunway, KDU and Nilai. We discussed with the counselors about our courses and scholarships. Private colleges are really expensive. We have to think twice before enrolling into one. I'm having dilemma whether want to do A-level, matriculation, foundation or just wait for government scholarships. I HAVE NO IDEA!! Then we headed to Parkson to take our lunch. It was already very late. Our stomachs started making weird sounds.

Visha and Sheli ate pizza while Sharva and I ate nasi ayam. Then, Sharva's parents sent us to Terminal bus stop. We wandered around the shops. Then we got a bus and went back to home.

Sleepover at Kir's house.

6th April 2011.

I love sleepover but I rarely go for one. So I went to stay at Kir's house for the first time. Since her house is quite far from mine, I seldom go to her house. It was not a sleepover party all. I went to her house around 4pm la. We were doing nothing than talking. We went out to Giant with her dad. He was shopping while we were wandering in bookshop and cd's shop. She loves novels so much. You can all kind of malay and english novels in her room. The biggest nerd ever. :P

She bought Eclipse cd to watch in the night later. After we reached home and took our dinner, football game started. Her favourite team M.United played. She was pissed off when her team lost with Liverpool and arguing with our friend in Facebook. I don't watch football. So I don't know much about it. Opss I forgot to tell something. I got a sms from my instructor that I got my driving class on next day at 2pm. It was very irritating. I wanted to stay at her house until night.

After Facebooking for a while, we sat in front of tv to watch Eclipse. It was 12pm and her parents went to sleep. We were alone and decided to watch Jangan Pandang Belakang. I have watched the movie before. So I know it's scary. But she wanted to watch because it would be thrilling. So we watched. We did scream. I put my legs on the sofa and was hugging her. After the movie finished, we went to bed.

After woke up, bathed, took our breakfast and everything, we cooked. Well we didnt cook much. We made lady's finger. I helped her cooking. Then we watched Eclipse for about 45 minutes maybe. Then I had to take my lunch early because my dad would come n fetch me up for driving class. Sadly, we didn't take pictures at all.

I don't want the world to end in 2012 but it has already alarmed us about the ending. I've just finished my SPM. There are so many things waiting for me. I want to get further education, job, love, family and kids. God you're the only one who can save us all. You're the only one we can depend on. ♥

Tell me a way.

Tell me a way to stop loving you!! All your words are still echoing in my ears. You birthday is approaching. I wish I could be with you. You were very sick last year. Hope you're fine always. ♥

Test.

I failed my jpj test. Both. That was terrible. I ran to my dad, hugged him and started crying. Seriously, I got panicked and nervous. Paid RM70 for retest which is on 28th April. I know I'm wasting my parents money. I'm not a gooooood driver at all. :'(

P.S. : Still crying.

Here Got Ghosts.

That was the title of the movie we watched yesterday. It was a Malay movie titled Sini Ada Hantu. After ages, I went out with Kirthiga. Of course, our cutie girl Visha came with us too. Kir came to my house at 7am and we moved from our house around 10.30am with Visha by bus from my taman la. We went to S'ban Terminal. After reaching there, Sharva was waiting for us. Then, we bought tickets for 12.10pm show and waited for a while snapping some pictures. A guy from the GSC scolded us for taking pictures with the standing. We were like WTH !! The movie started. It was the funniest ghost movie I've ever watched in my life. I think we just screamed once or twice throughout the movie.

After the movie, we went to eat. We ate at Mcd. After eating, we went to Popular. That was the best part. We were seeing some books and taking pictures with them. Then, I saw funky specs were also sold there. We took pictures with the specs also. I was the one who was very scared if anyone would see and scold us. It would be really embarrassing if it happened but fortunately nobody saw.

Then Sharva went back. So only three of us were there. Kir wanted to buy a casual bag for her. So she bought one for her and one for her mum. They were really cute. And Visha bought a wallet for her bro. Then we were just looking for sandals and Visha bought a pair of sandals. They were simple and nice. Then then then, Visha wanted to buy jeans. So we entered a shop. Clothes were cheap there. So she bought jeans there and we also tried few blouses. :D

Then, we were just wandering there and looking at men's clothes. We were just talking what kind of clothes we would buy for our bfs if we had one. That was funny but true aint? Then, we went back by bus again. Seriously we were so exhausted and my back was painful. We stopped at Sheli's house for a while. She was about to go out. I took her pictures and we went back la. I know I repeated the word 'then' million times. :)

Regrets.

How would you feel if someone came and told you that your ex bf regretted for loving and he felt you destroyed his life? If me, I would die inside. And just now his friends came to my house. They are my friends too. One of them said so to me. When I asked what he really told him, he said he was just lying and asked me to forget. Although it's a lie, it's disturbing me.

Let me ask myself, did I cheat him? No, I didn't. If lying is a cheat, then everyone in the world is a cheater. Nobody knows how much I love him. I didn't get attracted to any other guys after he left me. NO ONE!! Nobody could be like him. I tried to be close with guys so that I could forget him but still I couldn't. I gave up in everything.

"I'm just unlucky. We're not meant to be together." This is what I always tell to me and convince myself.

So, I prefer if nobody talks about him to me. My friends don't. They understand me well. Ok ?

Boredom.

My nails are turquoise now. :D

127 Hours at JJ.

Sorry for the late update. On last Sunday, Visha, Sharva and I went to Jusco. Other friends couldn't make it because they were busy. Around 12.30pm, Visha and I went to Sharva's house in S2 and took our lunch there. Then, her mum sent us to Jusco. We wanted to watch Green Hornet but since the show was finished, we bought tickets for 127 Hours movie. I watched the trailer and it sounded not bad. The movie was going to start at 5.30pm. So, until that we were shopping.

I bought nail polishes from Elianto. One was turquoise and another one was red chilli. Then, we went to Popular bookshop. Sharva bought some greeting cards and I bought Cleo. Visha wanted to buy jeans but we couldn't find a nice one. Visha and I ended up buying two similar orange tshirts which was rm10 each. That was really cheap. I know. To pass time, I was trying a yellow dress. It was cute but the price could make a big hole in your pocket. RM107!! I think I can get the same kind of dress at normal shop for RM30.

Then, we went to the theater. Sharva bought hotdogs, popcorn and drinks for us. Thanks syg!! The funniest part of our outing was the movie. The movie was nice but kinda boring. The story was about a guy who went for climbing at canyon. His hand was trapped in a stone and he couldn't escape from it. So, he was there trying all the possible chances to get out from it for 127 hours which were about 5 days. I couldn't watch some scenes. NOT VULGAR SCENES OK!! He tried to cut his hand in order to survive. Seriously, Visha and I couldn't watch it. I told my friends I'm not gonna be a doctor. I hid my face behind my hair and she hid her face behind her Coke. Funny right? There was a couple sitting behind us. Indian couples. The guy was funny. His handphone rang when the situation was so silent and the ringtone was so funny. It was an old Tamil song. Since we knew the song, we burst out laughing and looked at them.

After the movie ended, we were really unsatisfied with the movie. The ticket price was rM12 but it wasn't worth it. We should have watched some other better movie but it was too late. Around 7pm, Sharva's parents fetch us up and brought us to a Chinese shop for dinner. The food was awesome. The photos are on my Facebook. Ok bye. :D